MY NINE MONTH SABBATICAL AND WHERE IT HAS BROUGHT ME

I have been on the most amazing, yet often painful journey these past nine months....but a necessary journey for me to continue on in my Christian walk. About nine months ago, I made the decision to leave my local assembly. Please understand that, my decision to leave had nothing to do with the pastors or anyone else in that assembly. It was all a part of God's great plan and destiny for my life.

Was I frustrated? Most certainly! I thought that I was dying inside. Could I have blamed people from the church? Absolutely, but ultimately, most times when there is a problem, it usually lies with the individual going through the struggle or situation at the time. And it was only over time that I came to discover these things. God is so faithful!

For many, many years I wore a mask. I haven't been happy in church for so, so long.......we are talking years here. To me, I didn't see much difference between us and the rest of the world. What made us so different, apart from the fact that we asked Jesus into our hearts? Sadly, many of us didn't act any different than the world. My spirit was just so tired from playing all the mind games and wearing the mask to hide my true feelings, for fear of rejection. I just couldn't go on pretending like everything was ok, when it certainly WAS NOT! After years of hiding the real me behind a mask, I just couldn't do it anymore. I had come to the end of myself (which is a good thing), and I realized that if I continue going in the direction that I am going, my heart would become hard and bitter. I could feel it beginning to happen. Finally, I just went to my heavenly Father and told Him that I can't do this anymore. I told Him that I was dying and that I just had to leave. I felt a total release to do so, and I'm sure that many were wondering what in the world was wrong with me that I would take such drastic steps. I'm sure there were those who thought I was out in left field somewhere, but despite all of my frustration at the time, I did recognize my Father's voice and I knew that it was He who was leading me to take that step. In my heart, He gave me the ok....the peace that it was ok to leave.

In the past, leaving would have been something that I would never have agreed for anyone to do.....to leave a local Body of believers and go out to live in the wild....in isolation......yet I was not isolated at all. My Father never left my side. His precious Spirit lived in me to take me each step of the way. Only by pulling out and putting my focus fully and completely on Him was He able to teach me and lead me, showing me the things I needed to see, and helping me learn the things I needed to learn. I had no idea who I was in this great big world. I had no identity that I was able to distinguish, to show me who I really was.

I have always believed in my Christian walk that my heart was wicked and deceitful above all things.....that it could not be trusted. I have heard it so many times in the church....from friends and leaders. I believed it. This was the first false teaching that the Lord corrected in my life, and He did it through a wonderful friend, Jim Robbins. Jim had started a social site called The Good and Noble Heart. I really didn't go looking for this site. I stumbled on to it quite by accident, so I thought, but looking back, I knew that the Holy Spirit was taking my hand and leading me in His footsteps. Jim graciously sent me a book that he had written entitled, "Recover Your Good Heart." A wonderful book that I would recommend to everyone who feels that they can never measure up.
It was a book about living free from religious guilt, and the shame of never feeling good enough. This book started me on the most amazing journey into understanding the Grace of God, and understanding the new contract....the better promises found in the New Covenant. I was being blown away by Holy Spirit as He spoke to my heart through this wonderful book. Thank you so much Jim. I will be eternally grateful!

I learned that you cannot live a victorious life in Christ by living under two covenants, yet that is what the majority of Christians are doing today.......living a mixture of law and grace......choosing the parts of the law they want to keep and what others to let go off. To be truly blessed, the entire Old Covenant must be released from our lives or we will never experience the fullness of what God has for us. It was through Jim that I came to understand the passage of Scripture in Ezekiel 36:26 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you." He was making me a brand new creature, just like was told to us in 2 Cor. 5:17. I saw it!!! Praise the Lord! You can never receive new life without first receiving a new heart. New life cannot live and flow through the old man....the old nature. It all must become "brand new!" If we don't come to the place where we acknowledge that God has given us new hearts, and actually made us brand new creatures, then we will always live a life of condemnation...living from the old man, under the old law and never being able to meet it's standard. We are not the same people any more. Jesus made us brand new....believe it! Live it! GLORY TO GOD.....HE GAVE ME A NEW HEART AND A NEW AND UPRIGHT SPIRIT! THIS IS WHO I AM NOW.....THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS!

This revelation hit me so hard! I became so excited!!!! This was the beginning of my journey into a wonderful new life of grace! I was feasting at the table of the Lord and my appetite was big! I just couldn't get enough! A quote from Jim's book, "Holy Spirit has fused His life with our own and bound the heart of Jesus with ours, in order that His divine power may freely flow from within us." If my heart is bound to His, and if I am now the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST, there is NO WAY that my heart can be wicked. By the time I finished reading Jim's book, I had it fully established in my heart that MY HEART WAS GOOD, and it could be trusted, because not only did I have a brand new heart, but the Spirit of the living God lived there. He would never reside in a place of wickedness, for He is holy and pure!

Let me go back just for a moment. When I left the local assembly where I attended, there was another thing in my life that I had always struggled with. All my life I struggled in the area of believing that anyone could love me.....even God. I didn't understand love at all. How would I know it? How could I know God really loved me? I grew up in a home where I never felt wanted or that I ever belonged, but for years, kept all those painful feelings inside. How I needed TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THAT GOD LOVED ME! How could a person move on in their Christian walk, with any success, until we understand the love God has for us as individuals? Yes, I knew all the Scriptures that told me He loved me, yet I have never experienced that love. I couldn't understand it at all, so I sent another message to a Facebook friend of mine, a well-known author and travelling speaker whom I have come to love and admire so much, Steve McVey.

I shared with Steve that I had left the local assembly and how I struggled in understanding God's love for me. Steve, also, graciously sent me a book entitled, "A Divine Invitation." It was a book about experiencing the romance of God's amazing love. As I read through the book, I couldn't put it down, and then I reached chapter six entitled, "The Dance of Grace." As I began reading that chapter, I just became undone. I cried through the entire chapter. God so revealed His overwhelming love to me and it has become engraved forever in my Good and Noble Heart! LOL

In this dynamic chapter, I learned that the passion of Jesus was so great that He thought it better to die for His Bride....for Me, than to continue living without me! I learned that "Authentic Christianity is a love story between two people.....me and Jesus." I came to realize that every fibre of His being resonated toward me, and that His heart was for me, and that HE MUST HAVE ME!

I always thought that it should be the passion of our hearts to want to spend eternity with Jesus, but as I read on, I discovered that it is the overwhelming passion of His heart to want to spend eternity with me. WOW! I know that these may seem like mere words to some, but for me, these words jumped off the page! He was speaking directly to my heart....to the deepest part of my spirit, and I was finally getting it, and finally taking hold of it. Now it was mine, and there is not a person on this planet that could ever convince me that God does not love me. I KNOW HE LOVES ME, WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE! Thank you Steve, for allowing the Lord to use you in revealing Himself to me in such an amazing way. Thank you for sending me that book. I will be eternally grateful!

After all these wonderful truths were taking place in my heart, I still knew that the desire to return to the local assembly was not there. I was lonely and hurting because I knew there were those who were not understanding where I was at in my walk, and that included my darling husband. That was the most difficult decision of all. I needed him to see what I was seeing, because I knew that a lot of it would be new to him as well. Only God could reach him, as He had reached me.

So, where was I to receive fellowship from the Body of Christ? God is so faithful! There is none like Him. Even before I left the local assembly, the Lord had a friendship developing between me and a very special person, who was not even a member of the same assembly. I had known this person for years, but we never really connected before. Over time, as we shared, our friendship grew. I came to know this person's heart and I came to love her so much. I was so thankful for the friendship that the Lord had allowed to develop between us. Thank you Brenda, for being there, and for being my friend! You are an awesome woman of God in whom I have been grately inspired. Your friendship means the world to me! Love you sis!

I wondered where else I could connect with a group of people who were on the same page as I was? ----THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF "FACEBOOK!" What an amazing media for meeting and bonding with people from all over the world. My first connections came through Jim Robbin's site, The Good and Noble Heart. Then, somehow, and I can't even remember how, the Lord led me to a church service online. The pastor was Frank Friedman......a wonderful grace preacher, who is the most relaxed and easy-going pastor I have ever seen. I love listening to Frank. Anyway, on Frank's church site, there is a section below the video where those tuning in can chat. I typed in my name to introduce myself. Through that I met two beautiful sisters.....Libby Delangie and Jean Rittenburg, who I found out were Frank's sisters. I found out they were on Facebook, befriended them and that was the beginning of my wonderful "GRACEBOOK FAMILY!" I started to get friend requests from all over the world from Christians who were strong in the message of grace and the finished work of the cross. I went from having about 50 friends to now having around 540....and climbing. I never saw a community like this in all my life, nor would ever have even imagined it. This was simply amazing......something only God could do....bringing together His family from all over the world! Wow!

We had church happening right on Facebook. Everyone was sharing nuggets from books, articles and videos they had received from, and we were all learning and growing together. I never felt so blessed in all my life. God opened up times of ministry.....lots of praying for one another, and even a weekly telephone conference call with the most amazing women of grace anywhere on this planet. I feel like I have known some of these people for years! I want to thank each and every one of my facebook friends who have imparted so much into my life. I love you all!

I stumbled on to another wonderful site, "citychurchinternational.com with pastor Rob Rufus, and also, Paul White Ministries....two amazing ministers of grace. These men, along with Jim Robbins and Steve McVey have helped greatly in changing the course of my life. It was through these men that I began to understand my identity. I have been a Christian for over 30 years, yet have never had a firm, established foundation on my identity, and I would venture to say, that there are multitudes out there just like me. I had no understanding of my new nature (I thought I had two natures....this is not true!). I had no idea of who I was in Christ, and these men, along with my many wonderful family on facebook, have been so instrumental in helping me grow and become established and grounded.

I have since met so many pastors and ministers of the gospel here on facebook, who have become dear to my heart, and whom I love listening to, reading and learning from......Andre Oostuizen of New Paradigm Thinkers, a ministry that really challenges conventional thinking.....I love it. Andre Van Der Merwe and Rudy Rodriguez....how I enjoy your notes and statuses. Francois Du Toit, who is presently writing a new translation of the Bible entitled, The Mirror Translation.....It is amazing! My good friend, Walking Church (Alvin).....whom I can share my heart with and always has a listening ear, and Rich Novek.....Your notes have been such an amazing encouragement and blessing to me, Simon Yap Wei Toong and Joel Brueseke who have shared amazing truth in their notes on 1 John 1:9.....bringing such clarity and understanding, Andrew Farley, author of "The Naked Gospel"....an amazing book that everyone should read, Bertie Brits, who has a wonderful teaching on tithing, revealing the truth that JESUS CHRIST IS THE "TITHE." Sammy Bilyea, another friend who has an online church service via Skype and has shared many encouraging statuses. Curry Blake, who is through his teachings, instilling a confidence in my husband and I in the area of healing. Joseph Prince, whose books, "Unmerited Favor" and "Destined to Reign" have been such a blessing to me. My friend, Joshua Tongol to whom God is going to give the Philippine nation to, and my wonderful friends Merrill and Beverly Thompson who have introduced me to many wonderful men of faith from the past. Malcolm Smith and Paul Anderson-Walsh both who teach wonderful truths that excite my heart. John Sheasby, who I just discovered shares amazing words of truth on grace and our righteousness in Christ. So many wonderful people who have helped me along in my journey....too many to even name them all. You have all been a big impact on my life in this wonderful grace walk......I am so grateful!

Then there is my very special friend, Kat Poon.....my friend from Singapore! I am so glad I met you. Thank you so much for sending me the book, "Walking on Water", by Joshua Lye. I am loving it. You are a dear friend....I love you sis! I have just been so blessed and my life enriched because of my wonderful grace family on facebook.

On the day that the Lord led me to Curry Blake's site, I knew this was the hand of God because I didn't go searching for this man. I didn't even know who he was and I am not even sure how I landed on his website, but I did. Curry Blake has a heart for healing and has actually taken over the John G. Lake Ministry. Curry had some online teachings that I started to listen to, and as I listened, I knew that this man could break through religious barriers and that he would probably be someone my husband would listen to because of his own heart to see people healed. I decided to send my husband the site via email. My husband did begin to listen to them and really loved them. We started to listen to them together. My husband became so excited by what he was hearing, and I was getting so excited that he was finally catching it. He was getting revelation knowledge that we are free from the law, and this wonderful message of grace and the awesome words spoken by Jesus, "It is finished," were finally taking root in his heart. My husband was feeding on Curry's teachings, as was I, and we began to once again have the same heart in the things of the Lord. This was the first step that led to my desire to go back to the local assembly.

In saying all of this, I did go to church this past Sunday, Mother's Day. I loved it! Everyone was so loving, like I had never left. When one of the church leaders got up to share communion, her brief sharing so blessed my heart. She started sharing about the finished work of the cross. Our pastors just returned from a trip to Redding, California, where they attended Bill Johnson's church. They came back so excited about what they had seen and experienced there. The service was a real blessing to me.....not that anything actually stood out, but in my heart I knew that the Lord was saying it was ok for me to go back now, IF I WANTED TO....THE CHOICE WAS MINE TO MAKE. Either way, I was free. I love the pastors there, and I know their heart wants the same as mine. They never once judged me for leaving and have always left the door open for my safe return. My choice is to go back, to be along side my husband and to love and serve God's people. My heart is, Lord, whatever door You open, I will go through.

This is a lengthy note, but I just wanted to share a little bit about my journey over these past nine months and to encourage others that are going through something similar, to just rest in Him and follow His leading. The future holds excitement for me as I enter into a new beginning in my wonderful new identity IN HIM! THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!